Before I left for the americorps, I was one of those awkward kids who added a lot of kiddies to see who I was going to soon surround myself by, and one of these individuals in general was a female. Lady friend and I hit it off quite well, we actually found a lot of things in common, and I became infatuated really with her, and was please to be informed that she had a crush on me as well.
When I say we hit it off pretty good, I mean, we'd talk every day, about our day, how we're doing, deep personal secrets that you usually tell someone you've actually met kind of things, but we skipped all these steps before we actually even left for Sacramento. I spent everyday always looking forward to the days ahead, when I could actually meet her in person, and those days finally did come.
Here's where the kicker sets in. I showed up late when I arrived, so when I came, she had already gone though in-processing, met new people, and started even making friends before I even showed up, and when I first saw her, my butterflies were through the roof like no other, but it was an awkward hello, like the quick passing by kind like you bump into somebody in the hallway, and later informed her when I was alone in my room, and had no idea what to do cause I was basically just thrown in a room to sleep in with no one to meet, she told me to go out and mingle because everyone was so nice.
So I did that, mostly the next day, because I had only met one person that first night, but regardless, started meeting new people. I was pleased by accomplishing my feat of being the loneliest guy on campus, even though I felt like I had a best friend on campus, and didn't even suggest coming to see me, or vise versa.
Time went on and an event "meet and greet" was held to meet new people on campus and to just mingle around. This was where we talked faced to face for the first time. We did an assigned handshake we had to do and talked about the schools we went to, joked around a little, but went on to talk about how things were going. Things seem to go pretty good, I was so flustered and anxious by it though that I don't even really remember what I talked about, with that being, I'm not even sure it was a good first impression, but regardless, we talked.
It was later, I would IM her on her chat, and on facebook, but I never received any reply. Thinking how odd this was, I thought it was crappy internet reception, but the text messages didn't come back either. I maybe wanted to see if she wanted to go for a walk and talk, see how things were going, but the attempts continued to go unanswered. I finally let it all out in a text, asking her what was going on, that I was becoming quite bothered and anxious about the whole, "blowing steve off" thing. I don't know if she was waiting for me to come up to her or not, but after consistent ignores... I figure there must be something more to it, and as much as it does bother me, someone I thought I might genuinely have feelings for, is just putting me off in the biggest transition of my life, I'm not letting it get to me.
A bold statement, since it's obvious i find it bothersome since I'm writing this detailed of a blog about it, but this experience is more than just that. This experience is about expanding my boundaries, reaching out in new areas, growing in self, and extending myself into the lives of others, and vise versa.
I can't help but being bothered by it, since I grew so closed to someone while we were so far away, and then distanced so far, when we're so close. It's funny how that works. The reasoning behind the actions is a mystery to me, I let my mind wonder, but I just let it be, if she don't want to be round me, I'll just let it be, I know from just gut instinct your not supposed to bottle things up, I'd like some closure if she's just going to ignore me like it's nobodies business, but I'll suppress for the time being.
